No, I don’t want to feel your new ta-ta’s

“Feel my tits.”

With power comes great responsibility

“I am not going to feel your tits,” I told my co-worker (in the ad department, of course), who had just purchased herself a new pair of ta-tas.

“Oh, come on, they’re almost lifelike!”

I wanted to say that nothing on her was almost lifelike, but common sense prevailed.

Sadly, she’s not the first woman to shake her brand new money makers at me, telling me to go on ahead, take a feel.

I was talking to my very good friend Shera Lee, who happens to be a Hooters waitress, about my co-workers new twin obsessions.

She just shook her head knowingly. “Yes,” she said. “They get new boobs and go mad with power, but wait her out. It passes.”

“When?” I demanded. “She keeps hovering over my computer and I’m afraid she’s going to put my eye out!”

Apparently, there is a New Owners Guide to Store-Bought Ta Ta’s with an entire checklist of things you must absolutely do right away to ensure that your new boobs are working properly.

  1. Take an inventory to ensure that there are in fact two of them, and they are relatively symmetrical and of the same size.
  2. Run right out and buy a sports bra. Lots of them. You’ll never want to wear anything else again.
  3. Head straight to your bank and stand in line at that snotty teller who always ignores you and lay those bad boys right up on the counter and whisper, “I’d like to make a deposit.”
  4.  Join a gym. Not to exercise, silly, to lean all over the equipment and make that man who’s been ignoring you drop a barbell on his big toe.
  5. Purchase additional mirrors for home and office, so that you can see your new store-boughts from every angle, and as an added bonus, your office mates will, too.
  6. You’ll need constant pressure checks on the silicone level of your new hooters, which can only be accomplished by asking total strangers and unsuspecting co-workers to, “Go ahead, give ‘em a feel.”

The problem with a boob job is that after you get your brand new knockers, everything else starts to look a little shabby, and pretty soon your getting all your dangling parts nipped, tucked and sucked.

Which is fine.

But please, for the love of gawd, don’t ask me to feel your new flat stomach.

Advertisements

About kitfrazier

Award-winning novelist and former big city journalist who bumped into a cowboy and woke up in the wild, wild west.
This entry was posted in Confessions of an Accidental Cowgirl. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to No, I don’t want to feel your new ta-ta’s

  1. Gary says:

    I’m pretty sure I recognize those, but them I’m not certain. They’re all starting to look SO much alike!

  2. cheryl says:

    OMG!! this is so true! and hello what is the correct response? Yeah those plastic puppies are a damn sight better than the real thing?! I think not

  3. Russ says:

    Boobs are like bacon … A lot of the artificial stuff is nowhere near as good as a little bit of the real thing! That being said, I’ve known myself a long time. I would have given ’em a squeeze.

  4. Buddy says:

    As a friend, I would feel there was a moral obligation to do a thorough examination, followed by an enthusiastic approval!

    (Females: “They’re fake!”)
    (Males: “So?”)

    • kitfrazier says:

      : ) I suspected as much–I know my ex had only two requirements–availability and proximity …

      • Buddy says:

        It’s true – men (when awake) exist in one of two states: we’re either hungry or horny. If we’re not sporting an erection, you should fix us a sandwich.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s