If tomorrow really is Judgment Day, I’m going to the mall—just in case . . .
Okay, so this guy Harold Camping says the End is Near, and it’s wrapping up at 9 p.m. tomorrow.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this basically the same thing those of us who believe weird crap like actual science—that the earth is heating up, we’re trashing the oceans and just generally sending our ownselves to hell in a handbasket?
I believe that we probably are inflicting some kind of impending doom on ourselves, but I have a hard time swallowing that it’s gonna be at 9 p.m. Saturday, despite what Mr. Camping is saying.
Still, I can’t help being a bit of a Druid/Methodist, and am, sadly, a bit superstitious, making me a kisser of elbows and a don’t stepper on of cracks.
So, I’m making myself a mini-bucket list, just in case.
1. I’m going to the mall and spending every dime I own on useless, non-biodegradable crap, ‘cause really, if the earth is ramping up for the big one, what’s the point of recycling?
2. I’m going to the Apple Store and upgrading every gadget I’ve got, just in case it’s not true that “You can’t take it with you.”
3. I’m going to drink my body weight in bourbon and Diet Coke—oh what the hell, I’m gonna go for broke and drink actual Co-cola, and I’m going to add some cherry syrup to top off the ultimate sugar rush—I’ll be drunk as Cooter Brown, but I’ll be wide awake to witness it. I may wait ‘til tomorrow afternoon, though, as I would hate to pass out while I’m busy playing with all the new useless crap I bought.
4. I’ll go ahead and curse myself now for using up all my frequent flyer miles on friends and family—I see now that I should have been more selfish.
5. I think we should all use whatever means we have available and head to some remote outpost in the hinterlands—and we should all go at 8:30 p.m. tomorrow, that way it will appear the whole world got simultaneously empty—those still wallowing around in their easy chairs (Mr. Camping) watching Jeopardy will think the Hand of God swept us all up to Glory and they’ve all been Left Behind.
In the end, I think I’ll spend my last few hours doing what I try to do every day—call my Mom-n-them and tell I love them, try to be a good person and not to litter, spend more time with Chap and my dog—not necessarily in that order, and give myself a little self assessment.
Because when it all comes down to the nut-cuttin’, shouldn’t we really be acting as though every day is Judgment Day?