So I’m tickled to death I’ve been asked to participate in Texas Writers League Agents Conference again this year, and I’m prepping myself for the question/answer portion of the program, which to some authors is akin to pulling out their own eyeteeth with pointy pliers. But I enjoy it, and have made some very good friends (and a few stalkers) this way.
I am happy to help folks along the road to publication, and often teach classes, including How to Write a Kick Butt Query Letter—which I’m about to do because we’re heading into conference season.
But I know it just irritates the snot out of some of my author buddies, so I spread the word about Author Response on Q&A’s, and here’s what they came back with . . .
Q. Who is your agent, and can you give me a recommendation?
A. My agent has told me that her phone number is one of those I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you pieces of information, and she went on to share some of the colorful ways she has offed people in the past for passing out her number, such as sprinkling them with tuna and turning her cats on them.
Q. How much do you make?
A. I don’t know—how big is your dick?
Q. Where do you get your ideas?
Q. I have a great idea for a book—why don’t I tell it to you and you can write it and we’ll split the money?
A. I have a better idea—how ‘bout you write the book and keep all the money?
Q. I have a great idea for a book, but if I tell you, will you steal it?
A. I don’t have time to write my own ideas, let alone write someone else’s.
Q. I always thought I’d take a coupla weeks off work and write a book, what do you think?
A. I always wanted to be a brain surgeon. I think I’ll take a coupla weeks off and git-er-done!
I’m starting my query class next Monday—it’s free. Come join us, and I promise, you can ask any question you like. And I will try to avoid sprinkling you with tuna and siccing Ninja Kitty on your various body parts.